So many things to love about Carnival, and so many things that could dampen that love. We could go on forever, but so far we’ve picked our top ten (plus one).

Soca-Artistes-+-Fan-Club-Presidency2Smh. Artistes… listen up. You cannot text request your own song. The radio announcer will notice that 6 requests came from different names, but from the same number… And do not start your own ‘team’ aka fan club. Do not. The make out scene is real. #isthisarealtwitterprofile

Powder-Necks-+-Uptown-FeteCulture clash. If you’re going uptown, there’s just no need to put the fact that you’ve bathed today on display by symbolically powdering your chest/neck. The fact that you want to boast about such a basic thing only makes people question, “you mean there was a possibility that you would have come out WITHOUT taking a fresh?”

Gold-Chain-+-Downtown-FeteSafety issue. You’d think that by now this would be the most common Carnival knowledge of all. And yet… no. The large fetes held in parking lots and stadiums all fall into this category, and Pan Semis! Also, “gold chain” extends to all nice jewelry AND phones. Pickpockets thrive at Carnival time, especially in fetes with affordable tickets. Why can’t you people get the memo? And why can’t you pass it on to your visiting peeps? Maybe it should be on the immigration forms. Right after, “Have you brought any illegal drugs into T&T?”, we could ask, “Have you been informed not to wear a gold chain to a WASA fete?” Maybe then!

Heels-+-Outdoor-FeteIdiot alert. Every year it’s the same… several never-see-come-see femmes take to a grass court match in completely inappropriate shoes. We know that a heel elongates the leg and makes your calves look fab. We know. We know that no other shoe in your arsenal goes with that outfit. We know. We know you are completely miserable by about the 25 minute mark too, and frankly you look dumb. We know. Now, so do you.

Parking-Space-+-The-Gym#Jussaying. The swarm of pre-Carnival gym rats has been building since before Christmas, but post January 2nd no machine empty, no yoga mat unfurled! We’d like to point out that parking far away from the gym is really an extension of your work out, but still pretty annoying when you’re late for a class or after a gruesome leg day.

RasPaintThere are wigs, there are bandanas, there are even shower caps, or there are several hours of scrubbing (and potentially years of tinted dreads) in your future. I know people who just had to fly the dread because hot pink was not going to cut it at the law firm come Wednesday. Securing head coverage is not something that’s going to get you branded as ‘stush’ if you have spent years crafting locks. Ok, maybe you will relate to this better if we put it in the same terms as an STD campaign, “A moment of weakness, a lifetime of regret”. Potentially.

Glitter-+-Back-FatHarsh reality. Before anyone accuses me of body shaming, I’m not saying “don’t have back fat”, I’m saying that glitter will draw attention to the parts of your body you slather it over, so don’t make the mistake of thinking it will camouflage fat rolls. No, camo only comes from actual clothing, even tights only do so much.

Jordans-+-On-The-RoadMetrosensible. Now you don’t want to wear your absolutely oldest, most falling apart shoes on the road. You need to be comfortable, and a certain level of quality is required for that, BUT… don’t wear your best either! They will get mashed. They will get spilled on. Possibly thrown up on. Glittered! As Nike did not say, “Just don’t do it”.

D-Cups-+-Wire-BrasScience. If you’re into walking gracefully and never jumping, then by all means, place a wire cage around your mammary glands. But ladies, if you want to actually enjoy yourself on the road, avoid having to constantly check yourself for slippage. It’s just not a good fit, and honestly you don’t need the extra attention, you’re getting it no matter what.

Wall-Climbing-+-Non-Harts-Band-MemberGet down. How is this a thing? Let’s all remember the awful fence spike impaling that went on outside Fatima College in 2011 from a misguided mounted masquerader. It’s not even cool when Hart’s members do it, but they’ve been doing it for decades and end up getting a cultural pass. Kind of like indigenous warriors who hang weights on their… you know.

Complaining-+-The-RoadCool it. No one wants to hear you. If the pelau isn’t nice at lunch, oh well. If they run out of coconut water before noon, too bad. If your headpiece is heavy, make the best of it. DJ not taking on your requests, shucks. If your feet hurt, guess what so does EVERYONE’S! Hush. Drink something. Wine on someone. This will all be over far too soon, so milk every moment by having the best attitude you can.

Take a closer look at the Chill Pill prescription by clicking here, you should, it’s worth it.


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